


If You Love Something, You Break When You Let It Go

by RobinsonsWereHere



Category: Psych (TV 2006)
Genre: (if you can call them coping mechanisms), Angst, Car Accidents, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, no happy ending, nobody handles anything well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21718981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RobinsonsWereHere/pseuds/RobinsonsWereHere
Summary: One rainy night, Madeleine Spencer gets in a car crash. She doesn't make it out alive.Henry has been in love with Maddie practically since the day they met. He needs her in his life. He doesn't know how to live without her, and he doesn't know how to help his son through this, either.Shawn is fourteen, and life is hard enough already. High school sucks, and his parents are fighting now more than ever. The only person he really has to talk to about any of this is his best friend, Gus. When his mom dies and his dad becomes a living shell, that becomes more true than ever.
Relationships: Brett Connors & Henry Spencer, Burton "Gus" Guster & Shawn Spencer, Henry Spencer & Shawn Spencer, Henry Spencer/Madeleine Spencer
Comments: 24
Kudos: 27





	1. Everything is Crashing Down Around You

**Author's Note:**

> So, I can't have been the only one who wondered if Maddie was dead during s1 & 2, and that's what drove Shawn and Henry apart. Two nights ago in the shower, I realized I could write that. Enjoy!

Madeleine Spencer drives carefully down the road, squinting through her rain-covered windshield. Her wipers are on at their top speed but the driving rain still blurs the view. She should stop, find a hotel, drive home tomorrow, once the storm has passed, but she’s been away at a conference all week, and she desperately wants to get home to her family.

Although, she really doesn’t know who she’s going home to.

Shawn is fourteen now, with only four months until his fifteenth birthday. Ever since he’d started high school, Henry has been working later, always giving her excuses about justice and a work ethic and making the city a safe place.On bad nights, he’ll point out he’s making it safer for Shawn, for her, for them. Those are the nights Maddie really lays into him. _How dare he use us as an excuse for his selfishness,_ she thinks, her grip tightening on the steering wheel. _How dare he pretend that he is doing this for any reason other than his own damn pride._

Maddie wouldn’t put it past her husband to leave their son home alone if he had an important case. With Henry, an ‘important case’ ranges from a missing kid, which she can’t really be mad about, to another threat on the mayor’s life, which she can. She hopes he’ll be home tonight, but at the very least, she’ll be able to creep into Shawn’s room and give him a gentle hug and kiss. She hopes he’s asleep by now.

Even as she smiles at the thought of her son, Maddie has to squint against a sudden, blinding light. She steps on her brake, trying to slow down, but she can feel herself hydroplaning, and the other car doesn’t stop.

He’s in the wrong lane.

Madeleine Spencer closes her eyes and says a quiet prayer as the two vehicles collide forcefully, painfully, brutally.

The words haven’t even left her lips when the world goes dark.

\---

Henry closes the case file, scrubbing a hand over his face as he drops his pen into the jar. Finally, near one in the morning, he’s wrapped up the case they arrested a guy for that afternoon. He can sleep well knowing he hasn’t left a single form unfinished.

He stretches as he stands, rolling out his neck. He really does need a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, even as he grabs his blazer, Brett comes up beside him. “Look alive, Spencer,” he says. “We’ve got one more job to do before we go home for the night.”

Henry groans. “What is it now?”

“Car crash on the road into town,” Brett answers as they walk down the highway. “Just came in; looks like one car was going too fast and hit the other. Probably some hydroplaning involved.”

“And why is this our case? I thought we’d been promoted out of this shit years ago.”

“It’s a dark and stormy night,” says Brett. “Patrol officers are out at the first dozen crashes of the night. We’re up next.”

Henry curses under his breath, and doesn’t say another word until they get to the scene.

He doesn’t recognize the car; it’s crumpled, covered in mud and broken asphalt, the paint coming off in streaks where it had dragged against the ground.

Brett heads for the further car, already talking to the rescue squad crew, who are saying things like “no survivors” and “dead on arrival”. These are always the cases Henry hates the most, but he crouches next to the crumpled car, looks inside, and then falls to his knees.

The love of his life is inside that car.

It feels like stabbing himself in the chest, but Henry has to know, has to be _sure._ So he looks again, and sure enough, it’s Maddie.

Her face is covered in blood and shattered glass.

Her neck is bent at an awkward angle that says neither the headrest nor the seatbelt had stopped it from snapping.

She’s not breathing. She’s not alive.

Henry folds in on himself, letting out a harsh, wrenching sob.

The person he loves most in the world is dead.

Gone.

Taken from him forever.


	2. Henry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry simply can't accept that the love of his life is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My winter break starts in two hours and thirty-seven minutes and I'm so ready

Henry thinks he’s died.

After all, how can he still be alive if Maddie isn’t?

He feels totally numb, and he doesn’t know if he’s breathing, doesn’t know if his heart is beating, isn’t entirely sure the world is still spinning. After all, his world is crashing around his ears.

Brett coming up behind him startles him, but when he says his name, Henry can’t make himself turn around. He feels stuck, like his hand is glued to the car door, like his knees have bonded to the asphalt. He’s frozen in time, frozen in the realization that his wife is dead. Brett kneels down beside him.

“Hey, Henry, what’s the matter?” Brett lays a hand on his shoulder. “Is there a kid?”

Henry makes a choking noise as he tries to breathe, tries to speak. “Maddie.”

Brett frowns, his eyebrows crinkling. “What?”’

He shakes his head, almost hyperventilating. “Maddie.”

Henry watches as Brett puts it together and turns slowly to look into the car. He sees the moment it registers, sees his face fall, his eyes fill with horror and dismay. Henry wonders if that’s what he looks like. He decides he probably looks worse.

“Alright,” Brett murmurs, his features dulling into the mask he wears around grieving family members, the ones who fill the benches at the station and wet box after box of tissues with their tears. “Alright, c’mon, Henry, let’s go.”

As Brett tries to pull Henry from the pavement, he resists, pulling his arm free of Brett’s grasp. He won’t go anywhere, even with Brett. He can’t leave Maddie.

“Henry, you can’t stay,” Brett tells him gently. “She’s gone. We gotta go.”

“I can’t leave her,” he mumbles. 

“Oh, Henry,” Brett sighs. He sounds sympathetic, almost pitying. “Henry, you can’t stay here. She’s gone, Henry. You can’t help her now.”

At that, Henry goes limp, sagging against the car. When Brett tries again to lift him, he goes with him, more being guided by his friend than moving of his own accord.

_You can’t help her now._

Leaving his wife, broken and dead in the car, Henry knows he’s failed. As a husband, as a cop… as a father.

A father.

_Shawn._

\---

Henry stumbles through his doorway, Brett on his heels. The shock of seeing Maddie has worn off, but he still can’t bring himself to believe she’s… gone. He feels numb all over, like he’s wrapped in a cocoon that’s separating him from the rest of the world.

“Shawn?” he calls out, his voice hoarse with unshed tears. His son should be asleep, and he’d only spoken aloud out of reflex, but he hears rustling in the den, and then two guilty teenage boys appear, game controllers held in their hands.

“Oh, Dad,” Shawn mumbles. “Uh… we thought we’d stay up until Mom got home?”

“We’re sorry, Mr. Spencer, but my mom just got me the new Legend of Zelda game, and we really wanted to try it out,” Gus is saying, but Henry can’t hear him. Shawn’s mention of Maddie has punched him in the gut all over again. He leans against the wall, imagining the next few minutes, when he will doubtlessly have to tell Shawn his mother is not coming home.

“I think it’s time for you to go home, Gus,” Brett says, moving from behind Henry to lay a hand on Gus’ shoulder. “Come on, I can drive you home.”

Gus frowns. “But I’m having a sleepover with Shawn! Mom said I could do it on a school night because we’re studying for midterms!”

Brett makes a crack about if they’re taking a video game class, but as soon as he and Gus leave the room, Henry can’t hear them; he focuses only on Shawn, to the point that it feels like tunnel vision. Forcing himself to act like an adult, he gestures to the den. “Sit down, kid.”

Shawn scowls and flops onto the couch. “I know I’m in trouble, but can you wait until Mom gets home? I don’t want two separate lectures.”

Henry swallows hard against the burn in his throat. He has to tell Shawn; he’s his dad. He does the hard stuff, and comforts his son. It’s his job. But the words stick in his throat. The explanation doesn’t come.

“Dad?” Shawn frowns at him, and Henry knows his bright mind will figure out that something’s wrong very soon. He has to explain. He has to tell him. He can’t let him be scared like this.

“Shawn…” with effort, Henry takes a deep breath. It sounds more like a gasp, and Shawn leans forward anxiously.

“Dad, are you okay?”

Henry should reassure him, should tell him that he’s fine, but he’s not. He’s coming apart at the seams, seconds away from losing it. “Shawn, your-- your mom isn’t coming home tonight,” he manages.

Shawn’s face goes somber. “...that doesn’t just mean her plane got delayed, does it?”

Henry shakes his head. “I… there was a car crash, kid.” His voice breaks. “She was… gone by the time we got there.” He chokes on his tears. “She’s not coming home.”

Shawn, his eyes wide, his mouth open, doesn’t say anything. He just leans into Henry, hugging him around the chest. Henry wraps his arms over his shoulders, and finally, together, they cry.

\---

The funeral is a month later. Brett plans it, because Henry can’t find it in himself to do anything at all. Even when he orders pizza for dinner, he has to focus on not crying over the phone. He legitimately doesn’t know how he’s supposed to go on.

Thank god he already has a decent suit, from one of the too many other funerals he’s attended. Bill Guster takes Shawn and Gus out to get their own. Winnie invites them over for dinner, but Henry can’t make himself accept. Shawn goes, and brings home leftovers. Henry lies on the couch and flips endlessly through his wedding album.

The funeral is on a Tuesday. Shawn doesn’t go to school, and Henry hasn’t gone to work since the accident. The two of them are silent, Henry broken, and Shawn closed-off. Brett and Father Wesley do the set up, and Shawn helps move chairs and things. Henry stares at Maddie’s smiling face on the cover of the funeral bulletin.

It’s closed casket, of course. Maddie’s sister gives the eulogy. Shawn says a few words himself, which Henry hadn’t expected. He sits and stares at the casket, words of peace and songs of mourning surrounding him but not reaching his heart.

As she’s lowered into the ground, it sinks in. He’s alive. Maddie isn’t. And he doesn’t even know who to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> painful yet?


	3. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Months after Maddie's crash, the Spencer family is still grieving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to claire for reminding me to finish this fic!

Shawn had hated the first few weeks, when his dad hadn’t even left his bed, let alone gone to work. It had been so _hard,_ just getting up in the morning, trying to live his life practically by himself. There had been a time in the past where Shawn had wished for silent mornings, wished for something to wake up to other than his parents arguing. Now, he’d give anything to get even the arguing back.

Thankfully, last month, Mr. Guster and Uncle Brett had finally gotten Henry to see a shrink. Shawn can hear his mother’s voice in his head saying _psychiatrist,_ but even the thought of her hurts so much that he just thinks _SHRINK_ even harder. Those first few weeks had been the best since the crash. His dad had been home, but more functional, able to get out of bed and cook a bit and willing to watch a bunch of movies with Shawn. It had been nice.

Last week, Henry had gone back to work. Shawn hasn’t fucking seen him since.

Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But still, Shawn had hoped that maybe, just maybe, if every cloud had a silver lining, this might finally be the thing that got his dad to be home more often. 

It’s done the exact opposite.

In his grief, Henry has thrown himself into his work, leaving Shawn to flounder.

The microwave beeps. Shawn pulls out his oatmeal cup. With one last glare at the birthday cake sticker on the calendar (he won’t look at his mom’s handwriting, he _hates_ the pretty, cursive “Shawn 15”) he grabs his bag and stomps out the door.

\---

“Happy birthday, Shawn,” Gus says, meeting him on the sidewalk outside the Guster house. “I put a candle in your muffin for you. It’s one of the trick sparkler ones.”

“Awesome!” Shawn grins. At least he can count on his best friend. “Hey, pull the lighter out of the outside pocket of my backpack.”

Gus frowns. “Why do you have a lighter in your backpack?”

“‘Cause I’m not allowed to,” Shawn says, shrugging. He takes the lighter from Gus and lights the candle, holding the muffin at an angle so the wax drips onto the ground instead of his hand.

“So,” Gus says, as they watch the candle spark, “what’re you doing for your birthday?”

Shawn sighs. “My dad’s probably gonna be working again. I think I’ll just stay up late, treat myself.”

“Oh.” Gus looks sad for a minute, then gives Shawn a bright smile. “Well, I’ll buy you an ice cream at lunch.”

“Thanks, Gus.” Shawn tries hard to smile. “I’m glad I’ve got you in my corner.”

\---

“Henry,” Brett calls, “c’mon, we’re being called out.”

Henry frowns. “Normally if people are murdered at this time of night, nobody finds them til moning.”

“Not a murder,” Brett sighs. “Complaint from an apartment block about a kid with spray paint drawing graffiti.”

Henry swallows hard, remembering the last time he’d been called out for a crime below his level. “Why-- why us?”

Brett’s mouth twists into a grimace. “Patrol told me to tell you it’s Shawn.”

\---

Henry is livid before they even get to the scene. But strangely, he also just feels cold. Frozen.

Sure enough, Shawn is there, leaning casually against the wall and trying to chat with the officers like he’s done nothing wrong. In dripping blue paint on the wall behind him are three simple words Henry has seen scrawled over every graffiti spot in town, at one point or another.

_**FUCK THE POLICE** _

He’d thought he’d grown tired of them a long time ago, but they complete the ugliness of this scene. His rage quiets just enough for his heart to twist painfully.

“Shawn!”

“Oh, hey, Dad,” Shawn calls out. “Nice to see you again. How long has it been? A week?”

_Well, at least I know why he’s doing this._ “Shawn… there are better, more legal ways to get in touch with me.”

Shawn shrugs. “This was more fun.” In his eyes is a fierce hurt, a challenge. He’s pushing Henry, trying to make him snap. Well, Henry had broken months ago. He’s not going to do the same now.

“I’ll book him,”he says to a rookie, who hands him a clipboard. He fills out the preliminary information-- name, date of birth, next of kin. He moves onto the section on the misdemeanor.

“What’s today’s date?” he asks Brett. His partner rattles it off. Henry scribbles it down, then freezes.

Date of birth. March 3rd, 1977.

Date of crime. March 3rd, 1992.

_No. No way,_ Henry refuses to believe he’s forgotten his son’s birthday.”Brett, what’s the date?”

“I just told you,” Brett says. “March 3rd.”

Henry sighs and pushes the clipboard at Brett. “I-- take this. I can’t. I’m taking my son home.”

Brett looks confused. “Henry, he can’t just leave…”

“I’ll take the heat tomorrow, just blame it on me,” he calls. “Shawn, lets go.”

“I thought for sure you were gonna arrest me,” Shawn comments.

“No,” Henry sighs. “Not on your birthday.”

\---

Shawn doesn’t feel as triumphant as he’d expected hen he gets home. He thought he would like it, to do something _bad_ and have his dad punish him,have his full attention. But Henry hadn’t punished him at all, and he just feels sad, and disgusted with himself.

They stop at a grocery store that’s about to close. Henry leads him to the frozen section. “What flavor do you want, kid?”

Shawn picks out a pint of chocolate ice cream with a peanut butter swirl. Henry goes for mint chip; it had been Maddie’s favorite. They pay the tired-looking cashier and go home.

“I’m sorry,” Henry sighs. “Shawn, I’m so sorry.”

Shawn turns a bit to look at him. “You forgot my _birthday,_ Dad.”

Henry shakes his head. “I love you. God, I love you so much. I can’t believe--” he sighs. “I'm sorry.”

“I know,” Shawn sighs. “We both miss Mom.”

“So much it hurts,” Henry agrees quietly.

“Can you take a day off?” Shawn asks. “I know you have a full time job. I know you care about your job. But could you take a day off? Could we have a day,just together?”

“Tomorrow,” Henry promises, taking a hand off the wheel to hold Shawn’s. “Tomorrow, and the same day next month, and next month. I won’t even make you go to school.”

Shawn grins a bit. “Thanks.”

“Shawn?”

“Yeah?”

Henry meets his eyes in the rearview mirror. “I love you, kid,” he says. “You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah,I know, Dad,” Shawn promises. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you liked it (or hated it, or somewhere in between) let me know! I love comments and kudos, and you can find me on tumblr at trixiesfranklin !


End file.
